The Grass Isn't Greener...

As I sit here gratefully employed on this quiet Christmas Eve morning, I was reflecting on where I've been and what I've learned over the past 12 months. 

I quit my job a year ago to pursue what I thought was a huge opportunity.  I enjoyed my old job and the people I worked with, but I had been approached several months earlier by a competitor with an intriguing proposition.  The new job was a big step up into a senior leadership position and a significant bump in pay.  The company was much larger globally, but a small player with a ton of growth potential here in the US.  They would also let me work remotely so we didn't have to move.  Over the course of several interviews, I had asked a ton of questions and done my due diligence to vet the company, its people, and the job, before making a decision.  Two weeks before Christmas, I submitted my notice and was promptly terminated for going to a competitor.  I expected that much and I didn't regret being honest with my manager about where I was going.

The first 6 weeks of my new job were pretty great.  I learned a lot and did my best to immerse myself in the new company culture despite COVID travel restrictions and working remotely.  The bigger paycheck and signing bonus were a nice motivational boost too.  Unfortunately, my excitement came to a screeching halt as I neared the end of my second month.  I was dealing with some challenges that were presented to me as mistakes made by prior leadership, so we worked through them in the spirit of building a better future.  I soon encountered new questionable decisions being made or suggested by others in the company.  I'm proud for pushing back and challenging these individuals despite wanting to make a good impression, but I wasn't always successful.  I began seeing red flags everywhere.  Trying to influence people to do the right thing became exhausting.  I brought my concerns to my manager, and he wasn't surprised.  Another red flag.  He sided with me and explained that we simply needed to drive change in the organization.  For a short period of time after our discussion, I thought I was up to the challenge.  I wasn't.  I had helped lead cultural changes in other organizations before, and it was a highly rewarding experience.  But I had never tried to do it alone, surrounded by people so willing to do the wrong thing or simply turn a blind eye to it.  I didn't think companies as misguided as this one still existed.

At the end of my 4th month, I was a wreck.  I hadn't slept in weeks and panic attacks were a daily occurrence.  I was grinding out 16+ hour days in the solitude of my basement office.  When I did come up for air, I took out my frustrations on my family.  My sweet daughter asked me one evening "Dad, why are you so stressed out all the time?"  It was then that I realized I was fighting a constant internal battle between my desire to please people and my need to do the right thing.  I lost that battle in early May after spending two days writing and revising a letter to say what my company wanted it to say about the safety of their products, but in a way that I thought I could live with.  The moment I clicked [Send], I instantly regretted it.  I printed the letter to read it because I couldn't believe what was on my screen.  I felt sick and ashamed.  I was disappointed at my lapse in integrity after a mere 5 months.  The slope is indeed slippery.  

I knew I had to leave, and my family knew too.  The idea of being jobless was much less-terrifying than being this new, worse version of myself.  If I could white-knuckle it through just one more month, I wouldn't have to pay my signing bonus back.  Instead of taking another ethical misstep, I prayed for help and immediately began writing my resignation letter.  Maybe I didn't have enough gusto, patience, or skill to lead change at this company, but I was ok with that.  I hate failure, but it's a blessing to know my limits.  My final closure came during the exit interview when the excuses I was given for the company's behavior made it clear that they had no interest in changing.

With my newfound appreciation of my old company and its culture, I reached out to a friend and found out that they hadn't yet hired my replacement.  Hat in hand, I called up my old boss.  To my surprise, he was excited to hire me back.  He gave me my old job with a small but unsolicited bump in my old pay.  I felt like the Prodigal Son who returned after a dark spell.  I think God was helping me learn some important lessons, and I'm so thankful that it didn't come at more of a price.  The past 6 months have been amazing!  Everyone is happy I returned, despite my fear that I would be seen as disloyal.  I wake up excited to work each day.  I'm proud and fortunate to work for a company full of talented people who always want to do the right thing, and you can't put a price on that.  After a brief stint on the 'other side', this side is better by a mile!